MIAMI, FL – Reports have surfaced that Dr. Martina Van Nostrand, a cosmetic dermatologist in the Miami area, is trying desperately to maintain some semblance of a career in the field of medicine. A graduate of Dartmouth College and Harvard Medical School, Van Nostrand entered residency in Dermatology intent on a career in academic medicine, treating life-threatening cancers, burns, and helping the less fortunate.
“Then a cosmetic practice wanted to give me a bajillion dollar.” announced Van Nostrand. “And that was that.”
Now, the 44 year old dermatologist spends 95% of her time giving Botox injections, performing laser hair removal, and applying chemical peels. However, she still insists that she is just as much a doctor as the cardiologist across the street.
“I still raise my hand when people ask for a doctor on a plane. So what if it’s only after other doctors, nurses, LPNs, med students, scrub techs, and hospital volunteers have had a chance to respond. I’m still doing what the Hippowhatever oath tells me to do.”
Van Nostrand’s attempt to convince herself and others that she is still a medical doctor intensified recently with the purchase of a stethoscope, which she intends to wear while performing the 15-20 microdermabrasions on her schedule each week.
“You never know when a patient’s heart might stop when they see how they look with younger, smoother skin!” states Van Nostrand, explaining her purchase. “With my new stethoscope, I’ll at least be able to make the heart go back to doing what I think it might normally be doing!”
Unfortunately, instead of a top-of-the-line Littmann stethoscope, Van Nostrand had ordered a “Fisher-Price Medical Kit” which comes with a play doctor bag and several medical instruments made of durable plastic safe for children ages 2 and up. Upon receiving the package, Van Nostrand picked up the toy stethoscope, which produces a coughing sound when a button is pressed, placed it around her neck, and confidently left the room to begin her busy day in clinic