DENVER, CO – Ortho spine surgeon Brik Bowers recently set the all-time record by transfusing his post-op patient to a hematocrit of 100%. Bowers was found at his victory party, galloping around the room, fist bumping the Stryker rep and shouting, “Tank em up, tank em uuuuupppp!”
When he finally took a break and was asked how he had accomplished this feat, he said, “The puny blood bank resident tried to stop me, I crush him. The pansy pharmacist argued: crushed. The wimpoid ICU doc refused to write the order: double crushed him, then made him write the order and say, ‘Thank you, sir, may I give another unit!'”
When asked by a medical student if he could explain the benefits of what he calls the “full tank technique” for their learning he at first just flexed his arms and said, “Unnhhhh! How you like these tanks?!”
Then, when told the med student was going into orthopedics, he said, “You can be a hero like me, little grass cricket, just give more blood. Zero hematocrit bad so even complete idiots like dem gas pushin anesthelioligags should know that 100% is da bomb. Simple math baby, simple math.”
Early results from Bowers prior trial looking at a hematocrit goal of 75% found a mortality rate of 97%. When asked about these results by a reporter, Bowers told the Stryker rep to get him his mallet and then chased the reporter around the room with it, shouting, “They died because their spines didn’t have enough oxygen pansy boy! 75 was too low. They needed to be tanked tanked tanked!”
Bowers turned to his residents who were excitedly transfusing each other with autologous blood and bending stethoscopes into pretzel shapes. “What do we do boys?” Bowers asked them.
They shouted in unison, “Fill the tank! Fill the tank! Fill the tank!”