General Surgeon Moves Clinic to Operating Room, Cites Excessive Patient Consciousness

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CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Jacob Townsend, a 53-year-old general surgeon, has decided to permanently move his clinic to the operating room due to ongoing disruption from patient consciousness.  “Allowing my patients to talk about how they’re doing was really slowing down my clinic,” reports Townsend.  “I needed to find a way to run my clinic unencumbered by conversation and other conscious patient activity.”

smiling male doctor with arms crossed in operating room
The doctor will see you know, start counting backwards from 10…

The middle-aged surgeon, who sees roughly 80-90 patients in his one half day per week clinic, came up with a brilliant solution.  He decided to conduct his entire clinic in the operating room with every patient sedated under anesthesia.

“Now I no longer have to hear about pain or fevers or what a patient’s bowel movement smelled like.  No more discussing post-op restrictions or when sutures will be removed.  When I was having my clinic in the clinic, that kind of conversation used to push the visit to 2 minutes or more.  Now I can conduct a word-less post-op appointment in 4-5 seconds.  It’s a game changer.”

Townsend also reports no longer needing to schedule surgeries.  “If a new patient comes in with diverticulitis, there’s no need to come back later for surgery.  I just open them up right there during the visit.”  When asked how he obtains informed consent for these spur-of-the-moment abdominal surgeries, Townsend acknowledges having every patient sign a consent form for any procedure to be performed at any time for any reason.

Word is spreading throughout the medical community about Townsend’s ingenuity.  The American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons has already issued a press release embracing the “OR clinic” idea, urging its members to “immediately abandon all clinic-like activities and proceed to the safety of the nearest operating room.”

“If anything goes wrong in clinic I can just blame Anesthesia!”

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