BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Natalie Speede-Faster really needed to get back on Adderall. Her stupid internist was “concerned” because Natalie always wanted a higher strength of that medication. And he didn’t like that Natalie also insisted on taking a meth-like pill for weight loss — even though she was razor thin.
When the doctor switched her to an ADHD med that lacked any “rush” effect — Natalie called Allergies For Sale (AFS).
AFS is the brainchild of Les Scroopuls, a lawyer with an MBA. The company creates a video of the customer’s neck, arm, or torso and uses high-tech movie effects to add in a moderate to severe red rash, complete with small bumps.
The customer-patient then convinces their doctor that they are allergic to the unwanted med. If the doctor sees through the scam, AFS gives a full refund. Mr. Scroopuls tells GomerBlog that he paid a dermatologist “big bucks” to perfect the look of twenty-six different rashes sometimes caused by drugs like hydroxyzine (a lame substitute for Xanax), hydrocodone (much weaker than Dilaudid), and Strattera (sometimes prescribed in place of Adderall when abuse is suspected). He boasts of a perfect record so far.
It’s not only typical drug-seekers who visit the Rodeo Drive fake allergy boutique. People like Lori Phule believe “Big Pharma wouldn’t spend so much on ads for their latest products if they weren’t so much better than the old stuff.”
She hates it when her doctor gives her a simple, cheap antacid when much pricier ones exist that neutralize acid by blocking seven just-discovered receptor sites in the lining of the esophagus, before food even reaches the stomach. Lori wants only the best medicine for her condition, and AFS made her seem allergic to the purple pill and its relatives.
Lori says, “We even made the rash a little purple so my doctor would think Prilosec (a purple pill) caused it.”
It may be a while before AFS comes to your town, but it’s worth the wait.
Be sure to check out Neverkidd’s book, True Tales from a Physician Assistant on Amazon.com