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ALBANY, NY – A primary medical team at Albany Medical Center (AMC) is bracing themselves for the worst, as Infectious Diseases (ID) has just dropped an epic consult note, a note so long that it starts off with the opener “Once upon a time…”

once upon a time
“I can’t wait to read Chapter 45 of the ID consult…”

“Oh geez, this one’s gonna hurt,” said medicine resident Stephen Jenkins, looking upon the three-inch thick hardcover consult note, which is complete with table of contents.  “ID’s notes are never short, but to start with that kind of opener?  Once upon a time?”  He wiped his brow, realizing this patient won’t be discharged any time soon now that ID is involved.  “I just know we’re gonna have to do an LP, I just know it!”

Orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley is nervous and he’s not one to get nervous.  “I heard that the consult note is as long as War & Peace with possibly more character development.  It has chapters.  Chapters, for Pete’s sake!  In a consult note!”

ID has always had a knack for writing the thorough if not epic consult.  (ID cannot bill unless their consult note is greater than 3,000 words.)  In fact, orthopedic surgeons and medicine teams will admit that they often consult ID because they know “they’ll biopsy the chart left and right, find every detail to be found, and leave no stone unturned, which is great if the patient is a rock.”

Sources close to GomerBlog who have read the “page-turning” consult note state it has “a full plot, full of twists and turns, memorable characters, and the most complete documentation of antibiotics ever given to a patient in the history of medicine.”

Even New York Times book reviewer Casper Wright says, “The descriptions of the patient’s wounds and rashes are so vivid, you feel like you’re right there at bedside examining them.”  Wright also added: “The sexual history puts Fifty Shades of Grey to shame.”

ID couldn’t be reached for comment, as they are working on their “next masterpiece on bacteremia” due sometime around midnight when they all finally finish rounding.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.