WASHINGTON, DC – For those patients and providers in the nation’s hospitals today, new special edition patriotic call lights, IV pumps, and pagers are being rolled out, which will replace the monotonous and loud beeps and alerts with America’s most patriotic songs, including the “Star-Spangled Banner” and “Born in the U.S.A.”
Normally, nurse Tammy Watkins would let her patient have it for constantly bending her elbow containing the IV. But not today. “These freaking things never provide moments of silence,” said nurse Tammy Atkins. “But today, every time my patient flexes her elbow, I can proudly sing along with her and have immense pride in being an American. ‘Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light…'”
Intern Ryan Wallace admits he’s been slow to return pages because he sings along to the entire 3-plus minutes of his new pager tone, Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” “I tear up every time I hear this song,” states Wallace, who admits that in singing along he occasionally forget to return pages. “Can you blame me? It’s an amazing song!”
Patient Joseph Walters enjoys the in-hospital patriotism. “Can I tell you a secret?” he started to tell GomerBlog. “I don’t even need anything from my nurse. I just love hearing Whitney’s version of the National Anthem every time I place this big red button. Though Jimi Hendrix’s version always gives me the chills. Wow.”
Hospital cafeterias nationwide may go lax on the menu and keep things all-American with burgers, barbecue, hot dogs, and beer. Lots of beer. “There might even be some pie,” said food service worker Emily Jenkins. She winked. “As in, ‘Bye, bye, Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…'”
In other news, patients stated unequivocally that they will chant “U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A!!!” anytime anyone has a successful bowel movement today.