garden gnome

Study: 90% Of Rectal Foreign Bodies Are Idiopathic

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BIRMINGHAM, AL – A recent retrospective review of Birmingham, Alabama confirms that 90% of rectal foreign bodies are idiopathic.  Colorectal surgeon Joshua P Dengle has spent the better part of the last decade removing this and that from rectums.  During this time, he’s noted a disturbing trend: most patients have literally no idea how the light bulb, broom handle, lawn gnome, or otherwise ended up stuffed in their rectums.  He thus decided to perform a retrospective chart review, which was almost completely confirmatory of his hunch.  

garden gnome
“No idea how this garden gnome got in there”

9 out of 10 people requiring rectal foreign body retrieval were completely in the dark about where in the world these foreign bodies came from.  The other 10% mostly slipped and fell (the study investigators are still not sure how this explains the foreign body but accepted it as an answer regardless).

Dr. Dengle plans a follow up study to chase yet another well-founded hunch.  He believes that the majority of these patients with idiopathic foreign bodies also have no idea why they present to Emergency Departments in Birmingham.  

“I have a well founded fear that Alabama has been stricken by a new infectious disease, probably from Haiti, that not only 3D prints random everyday objects in people’s rectums but also causes a temporary dissociative state that ultimately drives them to Emergency Departments,” stated Dr. Dengle.  We, at ThePannus, will keep the world informed as this Public Health threat unfolds.  

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