potassium

Team to Replete the Hell Out of Patient’s Potassium

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LOUISVILLE, KY – An inpatient multidisciplinary team of nurses, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, nutritionists, hospitalists, nephrologists, and cardiologists at Louisville Medical Center (LMC) has stopped everything and look forward to taking care of Room 21’s potassium level of 3.2, proclaiming that they “plan to replete the hell out of his potassium.”

potassium
“Must… replete… potassium…”

“You better believe we’re going to replete that potassium,” said the team in a statement released publicly today.  “Though that potassium may be abnormal now, just you wait and see.  We’re going to replete that potassium like never before, it’ll never know what hit it. Some by mouth, some by IV, who knows, we might even give it rectally.”

The statement went on to say how all other patient care-related activities will be suspended so that “this potassium can be the focus on our entire health care system at this moment in time, no ifs ands or buts.”

The multidisciplinary team has in fact formed a Executive Committee for the Replacement of Potassium and will be holding an emergency vote later tonight to elect a new president.  Shortly thereafter in a soon-to-be released set of guidelines, they plan to check a magnesium as well.  And if it turns out the magnesium level is low too, they will not only “replete the hell of that too” but create an Executive Committee for the Replacement of Magnesium.

“Man, all we need is an abnormal magnesium and we really have a crisis on our hands,” said hospitalist James Rivers, sweating profusely, uncertain about what Room 21’s electrolyte future holds.  “But this is what we’ve spent our lives training for, for critical moments like this…”

Experts believe that if an opportunity presents itself to replace phosphorus and calcium, the multidisciplinary team will work “night and day” and “as long as it takes, God willing” to get those levels right as “this is the biggest threat to humanity in this day and age.”

UPDATE:
The brave and courageous patient is taking matters into his own hands and is starting to peel a banana.  GomerBlog will continue to follow.

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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