CINCINNATI, OH – A recent study out of Northside, Cincinnati claims all-cause mortality benefit in sepsis with addition of skinny jeans to early goal directed therapy. It has long been known that early aggressive resuscitation and antibiotics are key interventions for patients in septic shock, but just what, exactly, entails aggressive resuscitation? Co-author Thomas Scrupp tells the tale of how his team had just a novel idea.
“We just noticed that, in our shop, all the hipsters were sepsis-proof! We didn’t know exactly what the key component was, so we attempted to study each pillar of the hipster mantra: dress code, indifference, and rolled cigarettes. As far as dress, we trialed skinny jeans, flannel shirts, and unlabeled unicolor beanies.
Unfortunately, applying the indifference principle to participants and adding delectable, flavored tobacco to the vent circuit were associated with increased risk of death… but skinny jeans decreased mortality and decreased the amount of resuscitative fluid needed. They are like a permanent straight leg raise test! Gone are the days or third spacing fluid and half-baked venous compression stockings. These hipsters are really on to something.”
Dr. Scrupp’s next steps? He plans to patent medical grade skinny jeans and to evaluate the healing effects of clove cigarettes on acute respiratory distress syndrome.