NEBRASKA – The nurses of University of Midwest Hospital recently visited Cook County jail to see what freedom looks like. They were shocked to find the prisoners had significantly more privileges than they did. “Imagine being able to go to the bathroom several times a day,” said Mary Buckwheat, a cardiology floor nurse. “They’re asked how they are feeling every day” complained another nurse Betty Smith. “My manager just wants to know why I can’t perform CPR on two patients at once.”

nurse prison
“Hmmm…very tempting..”

The nurses were incredibly surprised to see many of the prisoners were not in uniform. They were informed that there is an Incentives Program that rewards good behavior. Betty Smith complained how uncomfortable her starch white uniform is. “It’s crazy that they’re not mandated to wear white even when they menstruate.”

The prisoners are not required to wear handcuffs or shackles throughout the day. The nurses, on the other hand, must carry pagers even during their lunch hours. ICU nurse Stephanie Buckles stated “Prison is is truly heaven embodied.”

As the nurses toured the jail, they were shocked to find that not only were the prisoners’ basic needs taken care of but they were also self-actualized. Lifestyle enhancing activities like meditation and improv have recently been introduced to the cell mates. It allows them to have a more relaxed approach to daily living in addition to focusing clearly. For the more hands on prisoners, pottery and arts and crafts are very popular.

Contrarily, in order to cope, nurses abuse benzodiazepines and yell at their children. Most nurses chain smoke and eat foods high in saturated fat to ensure an extraordinarily high BMI. A floor nurse without a back injury is rare.

As the nurses exited the jail, Mary Buckwheat exclaimed “This is truly incredible. A good day on the floor involves not being literally shat on. “What I’d give to get into this jail somehow.”

As of press time, the nurses are deciding which crime to commit to obtain these privileges and a true sense of freedom.