RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – The 2016 games are predicted to be the most deadly since the 100 AD games when many Christians lost to the lions in the host city of Rome.
“We not only have Zika Virus, but just about every venue has its own unique obstacles,” Thomas Bach, the president of the IOC. “It will be an exciting Games this year both on and off the competition field!”
He mentioned how athletes are advised to “Keep their mouths closed” while swimming in Guanabara Bay because the bay is essentially “mostly human sewage,” and just a teaspoon swallowed could infect the athlete. If the water doesn’t hurt the athletes the air will. It has exceeded the WHO’s limits for pollution.
“Oh yeah we have plenty of fluids, ventilators, and ET-tubes standing by,” Dr. Mano a Critical Care physician working in the Olympic Hospital told reporters. “There is a chance if I save the most lives I could get a Gold Medal!” (unfortunately for Dr. Mano, administration will end up winning it when they take credit for his hard work)
“Instead of cleaning out the bay, or really focusing on prevention, we decided it would just be easier if we built an Olympic Hospital, the first of its Kind,” Bach told reporters. He also pointed out hazards can be found on the beach where dead bodies wash up occasionally. “We really couldn’t pick up all the glass and knives, we tried at least. It’s just be easier to treat a stab wound than pick all that up.”
Of course this hospital will have an entire wing dedicated to Zika.
Fans will also take part in the excitement, the spectator seating could collapse at any moment. “Since we had to hurry and get these stands completed we decided to allow treatment of any spectator injured watching these games,” Thomas Bach announced. “If you make it out of the stands you could still be mugged, stabbed, or kidnapped by any one of the many local gangs!”
Spectators are encouraged to bring their own helmets and C-collars, and to think sooner than later about code status.