urinary tract infection

Study: People Named Willie, Dick & Johnson at Higher Risk for UTIs

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NEW ORLEANS, LA – A study coming out of the University of New Orleans has found that people with names such as Willie, Dick, or Johnson are “almost certain” to acquire at least one urinary tract infection (UTI) in their lifetime, for reasons that are still unclear.

urinary tract infection
Dick Johnson contemplates changing name to Rick Smith

“To be honest, I don’t think we needed a study to confirm this fact,” said investigator Dr. Lauren Cox, who is fighting off a UTI of her own.  “Expert consensus is that if your last name is suggestive enough, be prepared for some dysuria.  Even a little burning and frequency too.”

In the study, Cox found that the names Willie, Dick, and Johnson were associated with a UTI 99% of the time and sepsis secondary to a UTI 75% of the time if the patients were older than 65 years of age.  Though the association is evident, the mechanism of action is not quite understood.  Researchers are still combing through the data regarding the names Cox, Wood, Shaft, Ball, and Penis.  That’s right, they found at least one patient with the last name Penis.  No known patients named Scrotum or Labia have been identified.

“We also found that if you have two such names, you’re just about guaranteed to have a multi-drug resistant bug in your urine,” said Cox, thankful that her middle name is Marie.  “If you’re named Willie Johnson, be prepared to meet our Infectious Diseases team for some antibiotic recommendations.”

The most interesting case to date, however, is that of sweet little old lady Willie Cox-Woods-Johnson, who not only has pyelonephritis, but extensive resistance to every antibiotic known to man.  Not surprisingly, she is in septic shock complicated by acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS).  Thankfully, she is expected to pull through.  “The one thing in her favor is that patients with these names are fighters.  They may get a UTI, but they’ll recover.  They always recover.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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