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E.R. Doctors To Druggies: “Get More Creative!”

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confident physicianA national conference of Emergency Medicine doctors has created a list of suggestions for ER regulars who come in for Dilaudid and other euphoria-producing drugs. The list is meant to help make interactions between doctors and druggies more enjoyable for both parties.

Emergency Medicine specialist Dr. Kompro Mise said, “We don’t want to look bad by handing out the strongest pain meds to anyone who gets loud and threatening. All we ask for is a little discretion and finesse. Be cool.”


1. Leave the clichés at home. Lines like, “I know my body” and “I have a high threshold for pain” just make us roll our eyes. Stand out from the crowd by saying “I’ve endured this fibromyalgia for years without Dilaudid as an example for my kids, but it’s time for a change.”

Or try this approach: “I need to sample a few different pain meds so I can pick the best one for my grandmother in the hospice.”

2. Downplay your make-believe agony. Instead of screaming that your pain is 20 on a scale of 1 to 10, make it a 3— but casually mention that turkey sandwiches (like the one we gave you) always give you ischemic colitis two hours after ingestion. You didn’t mean to eat the sandwich, it just happened. So a ten day supply of Dilaudid would be nice to have on hand. Use a lighter touch.

3. Show some effort! Spend a few hours Photoshopping a New England Journal of Medicine “article” about how Dilaudid enhances the effect of Harvoni, the latest hepatitis C medication. And guess what? You are on Harvoni. Entertain us and we may reward you.

4. If your limp disappears in the parking lot, leave it there. Unless you have an Oscar or an Emmy above your fireplace, spare us the painful gait. We’ve seen enough of the real thing.

5. Don’t take your spouse along to the E.R. Instead, bring in a member of the clergy (or someone who could pass for one). This person can vouch for your honesty and confirm that yes, you are allergic to NSAIDs, Tylenol, hydrocodone and oxycodone.

Dr. Mise said the conference will be an annual event “because drug-seekers are sure to take creativity to new heights.”

Check out Neverkidd’s book, “True Tales from a Physician Assistant,” on

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