ATLANTA, GA – Trauma surgeons at Grady Memorial Hospital, one of Georgia’s Level I Trauma Centers, are working around the clock to piece back together one beloved Pete the Piggy Bank after he was ruthlessly attacked with a hammer.
At approximately 11 PM last night, the police received a call regarding a domestic incident in Brookhaven between 4-year-old Cooper Jones and his piggy bank named Pete.
“The boy called in a panic, saying he was sorry, that he couldn’t believe what he had done,” said police officer Reginald James, who first responded to the scene. “I’m not going to lie: it was gruesome. Pig everywhere, blood everywhere, coins everywhere. It was not for the faint of heart.”
Pete the Piggy Bank was scooped up onto a stretcher before eventually being life-flighted to Grady Memorial Hospital, thus giving new meaning to the phrase “when pigs fly,” though this is unlikely what Pete the Piggy had in mind.
At approximately midnight, Pete the Piggy was transferred straight to the trauma room. Surgical residents eagerly resected the monetary innards to keep for themselves before the trauma team underwent the labor intensive process of “assembling the jigsaw puzzle” and “taping him back together.” Though surgery is ongoing, the trauma team is cautiously optimistic.”
“Hammer-induced piggy bank trauma, we see hundreds of them of every year,” said trauma surgeon Frank Bacon, one of the world’s specialists when it comes to porcine trauma. “In fact, this isn’t the first piggy bank Cooper’s attacked. He needs to be held accountable.”
Bacon is right. In the past 6 months, Cooper brutally murdered two other piggy banks – Phil the Pig and Pat the Pig – with a hammer, and for what? The lives of both Phil and Pat were claimed for the sake of ice cream: Phil for two scoops of vanilla and Pat for one scoop of salted caramel in a sugar cone.
“We couldn’t save them, but it’ll be different with Pete,” said Bacon as gets ready to scrub in. “Why? He’s named Pete! It’s for Pete’s sake! This little piggy’s gonna get home, damn it, I’m sure of it!”