Updates Plate Portions for Nurses, Docs

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ChooseMyPlate.govWASHINGTON, DC – The USDA website has updated its plate for all hospital personnel to remind them that while finding your healthy eating style and building it throughout your lifetime is great and all, just get your hands anything, anything when you actually have a free moment to eat or drink.

“I think this new plate is way more realistic,” said nurse practitioner Rhonda Riley, her pockets stuffed to the gills with goodies found in random hospital drawers.  “Although I think my plate is maybe 90% graham crackers.”

Hospital personnel, not just health care practitioners but all other services too, found that making smart choices was challenging in a hospital where its cafeteria might serve you a placenta.  Factor in the workload and time constraints and you can send that nice-looking ratio of fruits, vegetables, grains, proteins, and dairy down into the morgue.  With all the patient care and charting, who has the time to eat well?

“It’s not uncommon for a 12-hour shift to equate to a 12-hour fast,” said nurse Richie Campbell, who is suffering from dry mouth and lightheadedness.  “This plate?  I can work with this plate.  Though mine is heavily skewed towards ketchup and little cups of peanut butter.”

Many support the new plate redesign.  Other health care practitioners think that the new website is too idealistic.  Some argue that patient leftovers don’t exist in a world where people are constantly asking for double portions.

“What the hell are vending machine goodies?” said surgeon Kacey Matuszczyk.  “No one can even find our vending machines, and when you do they’re either empty or broken.  Plus it costs you.  It’s all about the free stuff.”

How big of an impact will the new plate portions have on hospital personnel?  Only time will tell.

“I appreciate what the government is trying to do from a public health standpoint, I get that,” said night nurse Clarissa Tompkins.  “But when you’re down here in the trenches, my plate’s gonna be whatever looks good in the book of delivery menus.  Ohhh, I think my plate’s gonna be Mexican tonight!”

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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