Hospital Blocks Election Coverage on TVs: Huge Boost to Healing

  • 1.4K

KEARNEY, NE – What began as a cable bill cutting measure turned into a real miracle of medicine when the hospital dropped Fox News, CNN and MSNBC channel delivery to patient rooms at Kind Humanitarian Hospital. The move produced an unprecedented and nearly instantaneous improvement in a broad spectrum of patient outcomes and quality metrics.

"I feel so much better now!"
“I feel so much better now!”

Suspending the near constant barrage of toxic verbal assault, doomsday mongering, and lack of hope for the nation of 300 million produced an impressive benefit to health. Blood pressure spikes evened out and Ativan use subsided. Antidepressant prescriptions have trailed off. PT cooperation soared as patients showed desire to get on their feet and live just a bit longer.

Hospital administrator, Don. E. Pezil was excited to report: “I always believed that lowering the length of stay while improving patient satisfaction and reducing the readmission rates was a very reasonable goal. And now we’ve done it!”

Even Ms. Dwindles with severe dementia in room 2367 stopped flinging pooh and spitting at nurses. She now smiles as she drops F-bombs on visitors and staff.

Looking to cut the turkey sandwich budget and further lower the length of stay, Pezil was deliberating dropping the Food Network and eliminating free WiFi.

  • Livin La Vida Locum MD

    Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.

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