KEARNEY, NE – What began as a cable bill cutting measure turned into a real miracle of medicine when the hospital dropped Fox News, CNN and MSNBC channel delivery to patient rooms at Kind Humanitarian Hospital. The move produced an unprecedented and nearly instantaneous improvement in a broad spectrum of patient outcomes and quality metrics.
Suspending the near constant barrage of toxic verbal assault, doomsday mongering, and lack of hope for the nation of 300 million produced an impressive benefit to health. Blood pressure spikes evened out and Ativan use subsided. Antidepressant prescriptions have trailed off. PT cooperation soared as patients showed desire to get on their feet and live just a bit longer.
Hospital administrator, Don. E. Pezil was excited to report: “I always believed that lowering the length of stay while improving patient satisfaction and reducing the readmission rates was a very reasonable goal. And now we’ve done it!”
Even Ms. Dwindles with severe dementia in room 2367 stopped flinging pooh and spitting at nurses. She now smiles as she drops F-bombs on visitors and staff.
Looking to cut the turkey sandwich budget and further lower the length of stay, Pezil was deliberating dropping the Food Network and eliminating free WiFi.