WASHINGTON, DC – Late last night a very visibly tired Surgeon General of the United States Vivek Murthy finally finished rounding on every American in the United States, a patient list of about 320 million patients, and admitted to Gomerblog that he is absolutely dreading having to write all those notes.
“Back when I was a hospitalist, I thought seeing 20 patients in a day was tough,” said Murthy, as he lounges back on his work chair, feet up on the desk. He’s rubbing his eyes as a pot of coffee brews. “But seeing 320 million patients in a day? Man, that’s a lot of patient encounters.” He lets out a prolonged, painful sigh. “I haven’t eaten, I haven’t peed. And I haven’t eaten written… a… single… note.”
As the leading spokesperson for the public health, the Surgeon General carries a lot of responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is addressing the public’s health by talking to and examining every single one of the Americans that make up the public. That’s a lot of bedside visits. And a lot of notes.
“Just because I’m the Surgeon General doesn’t mean I get an easy pass on documentation,” Murthy moaned. “I gotta document and chart just like everyone else. I hate it.”
Surgeon General Murthy can sympathize with health care providers because he has to answer to someone more powerful than the President of the United States: the Hospital Administrator General of the United States Chaz Moneybags.
“For every nurse, doctor, physician assistant, whomever in healthcare, there needs to be one administrator, so that’s why I exist, to keep this Murthy guy in check,” Moneybags explained. “I wish he’d stop whining. What, 320 million notes? I could do that in like 5 minutes.”
To make matters worse for Murthy, Hospital Administrator Moneybags has declined requests to give Murthy access to an electronic record, so that means one thing: 320 million handwritten notes.
“Looks like I gotta pull out the old ortho trick: write notes without words,” explained Murthy. “I learned that from the Orthopod General.”