New Surgical Jason Masks Loved by Nurses, Doctors

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CRYSTAL LAKE – Nurses, doctors, and other health care practitioners across the nation have announced their overwhelming support for the newly-redesigned surgical masks or Jason masks.  It is named after the brilliant trauma surgeon who designed them: Jason Voorhees.  Voorhees first came up with the idea during his first traumatic surgical encounter.

“Don’t be scared, we’ll take REAL GOOD care of you!”

“This patient kept spewing blood everywhere despite my efforts to control the bleeding with a machete,” explained Voorhees fondly.  “This hockey mask has been a lifesaver.  It’s all about universal precautions.  Plus, I want my mask to scream, ‘I’m here for you!’  And it does that.”

The Jason mask is a fun-looking, modified, old-school hockey goalie mask.  Unlike surgical masks and N95 respirators, the new mask is made of durable plastic and Kevlar.  It is strong enough to withstand 95-mph slapshots and profuse blood splattering.  The mask is large enough to conceal identity, but features several slits to allow for comfortable breathing.  Providers also approve of the worn-down, weathered look, which gives it a look of “authenticity” and “charm.”

“This is simply stunning,” commented dermatology nurse practitioner Freddy Krueger.  He puts on his gown and Jason mask.  “It’s strong, durable, protects.  I’ve never felt safer.  Plus, it’s fun and playful.”

Sadly, patients and families have voiced concerns over the Jason masks.  Their comments about the mask appearing “frightful” or “scary” appear unfounded.

“I don’t get it, I really don’t,” admitted neurosurgeon Hannibal Lecter, who prefers performing bedside procedures and eating on gloomy nights.  “What could be more comforting than someone showing up at your bedside unannounced with a Jason mask and weapon in hand?”  Lecter pauses for a moment before he realizes his mistake and starts laughing.  “Oh, did I say weapon?  I meant to say procedure kit, not weapon.  Honest mistake.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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