TUCSON, AZ – A retiring obstetrician, who has requested to remain anonymous for this piece, recently issued a public statement of admission. Presumably to remove this large burden from his conscience, he stated, “I’ve been poking and prodding patients for thirty-plus years and have yet to palpate a cervix. When I entered medicine, I had no idea that my tiny hands would be the limiting factor of my medical career.”
In a later admission, this gentleman continued that he had “zilch idea what effacement or station meant” but simply called out numbers for station that seemed appropriate based on the patient’s demeanor or facial expression.
“I gave them a -1 for a look of severe pain I once saw in a opossum’s eyes after his torso was crushed beneath my Land Rover. I scored a 0 when they went what I like to refer to as ‘Beast Mode,’ and I only gave +1 to the women who literally broke their significant other’s hand by squeezing so hard. Simple, yet elegant; I’d like to see this scoring system validated.”
When asked about his scoring system for effacement, he simply chuckled and shook his head. To conclude his interview, this clinically-deficient clinician exposed that his brother, a man of equally small distal proportions, is a practicing urologist and has never felt a prostate in his life.