MILL VALLEY, CA – As hospitals across the country merge into corporate conglomerates, they lose their identity, much like identical Walmarts taking out Mom and Pop shops, leaving poor residents without the ability to shop in a tiny store containing nothing of what they needed. However, a select group of extended stay hospitals aims to change that. Their typical patient is too sick for the nursing home, but insurance won’t cover the putrefaction process at a real hospital. The CEO of the Mill Valley campus had this to say:
“For too long, we have been like every other Applebee’s—actually, more like Home Town Buffet, because we do focus on quantity of life over quality. Why offer a full plate of handmade pasta when unlimited Mac ‘n Cheese sitting in a trough for six hours will do? I apologize for the analogies, but there was a delay flying in my lobster lunch from Maine paired with a white Burgundy, so I’m starving.
Anyway, today that changes. With so many prosperous patients unwilling to give up life despite breathing through ventilators and eating through stomach tubes, we really need to make more VIP treatment available, like Sunday nights at Golden Corral when they bring out the really good food for slightly more money. We will be the first to make our institution different from every other place that bears the exact same logo. Like a mighty oak shading delicious forest creatures from the sun, we will be different!”
Because that impressive speech really didn’t explain anything, our timid reporter asked for clarification.
“For a nominal fee, VIP patient chest compressions and occasionally mouth to mouth will only be administered by an attractive member of the opposite sex. Secondly and most importantly, my assistant reports that we place those stomach tubes I talked about into just about every patient, almost like an initiation along with that hole in their throat so the breathing machine won’t sound as many alarms. To clean the skin for these procedures we recently switched from a staining substance containing more iodine than my late lunch to an alcohol-based product. After conferring with several administrators and finding no regulations against it, a select group of patients will be offered their choice of fine wines as a skin prep, all of them locally and sustainably sourced. This will improve patient morale and self-worth and provide staff with leftover wine to hand out to the visitors who need it most.”
This truly will make the Mill Valley campus stand out, at least until sister hospitals in Napa Valley hear about the changes, or the Mexican campuses launch a similar program with Tequila. However, it is a brave new step to recover individual hospital identity, one greatly appreciated by the sheepish crucifixes from Catholic hospitals bought out by their Baptist counterparts.