TOPEKA, KS – Urologists at Mercy Hospital have announced plans to perform surgery with the help of an 8-foot-tall wooden nutcracker during the holiday season. David Drosselmeyer, Chief of Urology, could barely contain his excitement as he wheeled in the 700-pound nutcracker into operating room 4.
“Tis the season for nut cracking,” announced Drosselmeyer gleefully. “After people spend the holidays around extended family and screaming kids, we always get a big influx of vasectomy evaluations. This year we decided to get a little festive while we crack our holiday nuts.”
The bearded nutcracker, hand-crafted from solid oak deep in the Black Forest of Germany, is adorned with a festive top hat, adorable bushy white hair, and a hydraulic jaw capable of cracking nuts with over 5,000 pounds of force. The limited-edition nutcracker also comes fitted with a state-of-the-art speaker system that plays Tchaikovsky’s entire Nutcracker ballet from its open, powerful-jawed, yet wonderfully acoustic mouth. “There’s nothing better than cracking nuts while listening to ‘Waltz of the Snowflakes,'” says Drosselmeyer. “It really fills us with the holiday spirit while our nutcracker fills itself with hundreds of holiday nuts.”
In addition to incorporating an industrial-grade nutcracker into their operating room, the urologists at Mercy Hospital reportedly planned on roasting their cracked nuts over an open fire until, as Drosselmeyer put it, “the Mouse King known as JACHO and those Sugar Plum Fairies called hospital administrators shut us down.”
At press time, local psychiatrists expressed interest in acquiring a nutcracker to deal with their own surplus of holiday nuts. As Mercy Hospital psychiatrist Philip Cavalier told Gomerblog, “Why yes, we’d love our own nutcracker. But if we can’t get one, then let me ask you this: What are the chances Tchaikovsky wrote a ballet called the Straitjacket? We’ll at least need a bunch of those.”