The Most Interesting Patient in the World

  • 3.9K

Humana pays him a co-insurance to go to the ER.

His in-network coverage follows him wherever he goes.

He drives the ambulance to his own emergencies.

He is a universal blood donor and recipient.

His d-dimer is never falsely elevated.

He never needs an insurance prior-authorization.

He knows you don’t need to see pictures of blood in the toilet bowl after bowel movements.

He followed medical advice with increased exercise, diet, and medication compliance since his last visit.

When asked what medications he takes, he doesn’t respond: “The little white one and the yellow one.”

He knows his tattoos of skulls and barbed wire preclude him from complaining about getting a flu shot.

He admits not having a high tolerance for pain.

He shows up 15 mins prior to his appointment time.

He knows nausea is not a true allergy and refuses to list it as such.

He knows hospitals are not hotels.

He realizes 10/10 pain is reserved for those being mauled by a bear while on fire and chooses an appropriate number.

He sends in positive satisfaction surveys and shows grace when he has a bad experience.

He knows a long wait doesn’t mean the medical staff are all sleeping.

He never loses his pain medication prescription.

He knows ambulances are not taxis.

He knows a temperature of 99 is not a fever, even if his “normal” temp is 97.5.

Who is this man? He is the most interesting patient in medicine.

“I don’t always go to the doctor, but when I do, I have already diagnosed myself on WebMD. Use Google, my friends.”

  • ED PAC

    I have been working in healthcare since 2008. I have vast clinical experience in retrieving blankets and pillows, counting respirations for a full minute, raising the head of the bed to exactly 30 degrees, scrubbing back in to surgery after touching something that isn't blue, and calling patients with positive STD tests. I am motivated by free food in the nurse's lounge, patients standing outside their rooms staring as I pass, and my student loan company. Someday I hope to write a prescription for common sense.

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