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KEARNEY, NE – In what should not be considered abnormal in our day and age, the family of Billy Rubin demanded that the 89-year-old resident of a local SNF and frequent flier at Kind Humanitarian Hospital (KHH) be the “Fullest Code Possible.”

fullest code
“Boy, I want the Fullest Code possible. Crack those ribs!”

A tour of KHH’s ICU and a look at what octogenarians on life support actually look like did not dissuade the concerned family. Understanding that the customer is always right, hospital administrator Mrs. Anna Sarca enlisted the help of Futile Care fellowship graduate Dr. Dee Ann Ahr.  Together, the two drafted the Fullest Code guidelines to deliver outstanding care and maintain patient satisfaction:

Chest compressions?
Until three interns are incapacitated with exhaustion.

Epinephrine pushes?
Till there is no epi left in the hospital.

Defibrillator shocks?
Until the lights go out in the hospital.

Ventilate?
Until the code team is short of breath.

ECMO, hypothermia, AND dialysis at the same time?
Duh!  Don’t forget TPN!!

Transplant considerations?
Anything from the heart to toes is fair game.

Should we consider quality of life after the code?
That’s not for us to decide.

Palliative Care consult?
Don’t waste their time!

Following the medical team’s assurance that Rubin will receive the most aggressive therapies available, the family inquired if defibrillator shocks would provide him with new abilities like “all those people who died and came back in the movies.”

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Livin La Vida Locum MD
Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.