New Nurse Surgeon General Unsure Who to Page about Nation’s Slightly Abnormal Magnesium Level

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WASHINGTON, DC – The Office of the Surgeon General was thrown into chaos late last night when newly-appointed Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Sylvia Trent-Adams announced that the nation’s magnesium level was low, and she was unsure who to page about it.  Trent-Adams, a trained RN, was recently promoted to Acting Surgeon General after President Donald Trump fired the previous Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, on April 21.

Sylvia_Trent-Adams_Official_PortraitAccording to sources within the department, the nation’s lab work came back last night showing a slightly low magnesium level of 1.5 mg/dL.  The issue came to a head when the nation later requested Tums for some late-night heartburn.

“I need an order,” Trent-Adams reportedly yelled at one of her aides.

So far, the Nurse Surgeon General has been unable to find a physician to replete the nation’s magnesium.  Sources say it is unclear who even ordered the lab work in the first place, with Trent-Adams blaming her predecessor for leaving her with a “mess.”

“I’ve inherited a mess,” said Trent-Adams during a press conference yesterday.  “Look at how tangled these IVs are.  This is going to take me at least an hour to fix.”

A statement issued early this week read, “The Surgeon General believes that her new job treats nurses unfairly and is discussing a wide range of administrative actions, including filing a complaint with her union representative to an all-out strike.”

Amongst her list of complaints is break room cleanliness and lack of refrigerator space to place her lunch bag in.

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