KEARNEY, NE – Fatefully cleaving the time line in two, an orthopedic surgeon at Kind Humanitarian Hospital (KHH) wrote a progress note longer than the hospitalist. The improbable event triggered an escalating series of other developments with far-reaching implications for the future of medicine and mankind:
Hospital administrators tossed Press-Ganey surveys and focused on actual quality of care. Nurses were free to care for their patients instead of charting. General surgeons became courteous and polite, while pediatricians dispensed foul language and launched projectiles at scrub nurses.
NASA reported to Gomerblog that the cataclysmic event at KHH did not obey any known laws of professional courtesy or quantum mechanics and may have opened a chasm into a parallel universe.
Disorder escalated further as Pharmacy allowed abbreviations such as QOD QID MsO4 and W/E DUDE. Chronic back pains were cured with PT/Tylenol and terminally-ill patients promptly signed DNRs and self-extubated.
Stephen Hawking reported to Gomerblog that KHH doctors inadvertently violated multiple laws of relativity, thereby causing a tear in the space-time continuum and challenging the very nature of our reality.
Chaos intensified as STAT orders were carried out STAT. Urology, Orthopedics and even Preventative Medicine admitted patients to their service, Neurosurgery notes became legible and Radiologists did not advise “clinical correlation.”
Sources report that shortly after an ophthalmologist showed up for an inpatient consult, KHH was seen being sucked into a wormhole that opened up in the parking lot.