ATLANTIC OCEAN – On a flight from Boca Raton to New York City, Air Trump One (Donald Trump’s private jet) reported a medical emergency to the Federal Aviation Administration command center. A radiologist on board responded and offered a broad, nonspecific differential diagnosis. The doctor then urged the pilot to clinically correlate his generic suggestions.
About an hour into the flight, a passenger became unresponsive and there was an overhead request by the flight attendants for the assistance of any health care workers. Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, a Florida hospital staff radiologist and wealthy Trump campaign donor, responded after waiting to see if anyone else would volunteer.
Once he realized that he was the only health care worker on board, since the President had eschewed the usual medical personnel on Air Force One, he approached the ill passenger. Immediately, the radiologist declared, “It’s going to be hard for me to offer my vague thoughts due to the patient’s rotation and the body habitus.” Even though the passenger was motionless, the radiologist added, “My read will also be compromised by motion artifact.”
The flight attendants pressed Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, and he relented by rattling off possible explanations for the illness. “It’s difficult to be definitive, but the patient could be in volume overload. It also might be atelectasis. But I can’t rule out a pneumonia. Or herpes. You’ll have to clinically correlate my findings.”
After the radiologist listed more than 30 other possible reasons for the unresponsiveness, he suggested that the crew obtain interval CT scans in 3 months, 6 months, and 12 months “just to be sure.” Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram then began dictating his nebulous assessment (& subsequent over-read) into the flight attendants’ intercom. Meanwhile, because the pilot was unable to determine whether the airplane should be diverted for an emergency landing, the passenger expired.
Donald Trump, when reached for comment by Gomerblog, offered high praise of the “master” radiologist. “Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s ambiguity was the best, believe me. He’s a bigly winner! In fact, I would ordinarily appoint him to be Surgeon General, but since that role will likely be filled by Dr. Oz, I plan to appoint him to be the HUD (Housing and Urban Development) Secretary.”