PROVIDENCE, RI – Health care providers are raving about a new haloperidol-based condiment that can be surreptitiously added to almost any hospital meal tray, allowing patients to be gratified and sedated simultaneously.
The appetizing creation from Psych-Yum Confections© comes in a variety of flavors, including Tangy Crack-Binge, Sumptuous Sundown, and Sour Cream Racist Rant. With an easy-to-spread texture that only requires a trembling finger to apply, plastic knives and sporks are no longer a life-threatening inconvenience to hospital staff. Patients who are “allergic” to haloperidol won’t be left out of the fun either, as Zesty Zyprexa and Seroquellaise low-calorie spreads are also available at a slight additional cost.
In a win for the administration, most patients are very pleased with the new menu item. “Ghhhhhhuuhghhh” was the reply of serial patient Louis Lemieux when asked if he wanted a fifth sandwich, sluggishly chewing on the remnants of number four as a glistening tendril of saliva lazily swung from his chin.
Health-conscious psychotic or abusive patients needn’t worry, as those with a history of dystonic reactions and QTc invervals >500 will qualify for one free Benadryl muffin with magnesium nuggets for each visit. As of press time, requests for additional free samples are suspended due to unanticipated demand.
