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PROVIDENCE, RI – Health care providers are raving about a new haloperidol-based condiment that can be surreptitiously added to almost any hospital meal tray, allowing patients to be gratified and sedated simultaneously.

sandwich haldolThe appetizing creation from Psych-Yum Confections© comes in a variety of flavors, including Tangy Crack-Binge, Sumptuous Sundown, and Sour Cream Racist Rant.  With an easy-to-spread texture that only requires a trembling finger to apply, plastic knives and sporks are no longer a life-threatening inconvenience to hospital staff.  Patients who are “allergic” to haloperidol won’t be left out of the fun either, as Zesty Zyprexa and Seroquellaise low-calorie spreads are also available at a slight additional cost.

In a win for the administration, most patients are very pleased with the new menu item.  “Ghhhhhhuuhghhh” was the reply of serial patient Louis Lemieux when asked if he wanted a fifth sandwich, sluggishly chewing on the remnants of number four as a glistening tendril of saliva lazily swung from his chin.

Health-conscious psychotic or abusive patients needn’t worry, as those with a history of dystonic reactions and QTc invervals >500 will qualify for one free Benadryl muffin with magnesium nuggets for each visit. As of press time, requests for additional free samples are suspended due to unanticipated demand.

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Dr. Pusey lives on a diet of amused despair and vengeful, grim anticipation. While very fond of animals, he looks upon his own species as a loathsome blight that reminds him of those filthy vagrants accompanied by malnourished dogs that you see panhandling in the subway: revolting, tragic, doomed, and unexpectedly still alive. He has been arrested multiple times for treating the patient as a whole person, not just a disease.