You’re probably familiar with the traditional use of the speculum: visualization of the cervical os, blah blah blah. We at Gomerblog are pleased to share some exciting uses of what has been hailed by the Dalai Lama as “the most versatile instrument in medicine.”
1. Visualizing the prostatic urethra. Use largest size available for superior visualization.
2. Intubating. Appose 3 speculums to each other and, voilà, airway.
3. Bet you didn’t know that speculums possess refractive properties. Indeed, “speculum” is etymologically derived from the Middle English word “spectacles.” Fasten two in front of your eyeballs using twine, and not only will you be able to see again, you will also look erudite as f**k.
4. Gaining acceptance into the Speculuminati.
5. Fake microphone for when it’s your turn to present on rounds.
6. Duck bill for your “Mighty Ducks” Halloween costume.
7. Maraca for your mariachi band.
8. Keeping your throat open while guzzling beer using beer bong.
9. Centerpiece on dining room table, preferably on top of your bowl of fake fruit.
10. Mother’s Day gift. Your mother wants to know that you’re thinking about her (vagina), and the speculum symbolizes exactly that.