Former United Security Guard Landed on Feet as Nurse-Assaulting Cop

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SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Former United Security Guard and all-around jerk-face Jeff Payne was very concerned he wouldn’t be able to find employment after all the bad publicity he got when he knocked out an elderly defenseless physician for refusing to vacate the seat he purchased when the airline overbooked the flight.

But then the Salt Lake City Police Department (PD) called and said they needed a new officer/dickhead in charge of assaulting nurses when they refused to comply with unlawful requests.

“I was floored.  I used to think Utah was all a bunch of Mormons, hippies, gold prospectors and other types of nice respectable human beings.  Never would have guess the Salt Lake City PD would have a position I was so qualified for,” said Payne in a recent interview.  “But then I went to the interview and everything was like the position was designed for me!”

“Are you an angry dick?”  “Check.”
“Do you like beating up on people who did nothing wrong?”  “Double check.”
“How about if those people are medical professionals?”  “Abso-trucking-lutely!

Payne bragged, “To be honest, the interaction with RN Wubbels was far from the first time I roughed up a nurse who didn’t let me do the illegal act I wanted to do.  You should see what I did to the ER nurse who wouldn’t let me strip search a woman who broke her ankle jay-walking!”

“I’m honestly such an incredible bag of douche that Gwyneth Paltrow sells small versions of me on her website to help unfragrant vaginas,” Payne bragged.

Lt. James Tracy was Payne’s supervisor on that shift in question.  When asked if he ordered the Code Red of Nurse Wubbels, Lt. Tracy became quite upset and shouted, “YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!  I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it!”

When asked if he was seriously claiming that having one of his men assault a nurse for refusing to comply with an unlawful quote ensured the safety of this reporter or if he was simply quoting “A Few Good Men,” Lt. Tracy replied “You had me at hello. You had me at hello.”

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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