LINTHICUM, MD – With a recent flare in the number of cases of males suffering from penile dryness this fall, the American Urological Association (AUA) officially endorses the use of the Pfizer-brand schlong balm ChapPrick for the prevention and treatment of dry dicks.
“It’s likely a multitude of factors contributing to the spike in dry dicks urologists are seeing in offices nationwide,” explained President of the AUA Dennis Pessis, who has been distributing ChapPrick like candy during the last week or so. “Lack of humidity is playing a major role, especially in California, and will likely persist into the winter months. Dehydration too. Frequent masturbation is another major cause, something we urologists like to call masturbrasion.”
Dry dick is a potentially disabling condition with symptoms including penile dryness, cracking, flaking, scaling, and bleeding. Whereas dry lips might be temporarily relieved by licking one’s own lips, men don’t have a similar mechanism to apply down there. “Ultimately saliva strips away moisture, so it’s not a good fix anyway,” Pessis added. “Besides, most males cannot lick their own dicks even if they wanted to or tried.”
The AUA likes ChapPrick because “it’s like ChapStick, but for your dick.” Pfizer has already adopted this as the tagline for their product.
So, men, if you have a case of dry dick, please follow these useful Gomerblog-tested tips:
- Apply ChapPrick throughout the day as often as needed
- Avoid cold weather conditions
- Wrap your dick in a scarf or put your dick in a (heated) box
- Do not point your dick directly into the wind
- Do not aim your dick at the sun
- Do aim your dick at a humidifier
- Drink more water or, better, submerge your penis in a glass of water
- Stop masturbating, even for like a day
- Seriously, stop masturbating
- Damn it, stop masturbating!