ATLANTA, GA – Finally acknowledging it as the most painful thing a human being can ever experience, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends IV Dilaudid (hydromorphone) as first-line treatment for pain caused by stepping on a Lego accidentally with one’s shoes off.
“Sure, a gout flare, a kidney stone, and childbirth are pretty decent causes of pain, but they’ve got nothing, nothing on when you slam your bare foot onto the rug and it lands on an unexpected Lego piece with it’s edge pointing up,” explained a tearful CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald as her podiatrist actively resects a 2 x 4 flat black plate embedded into her now-necrotic heel. “God, I hate Legos… I mean, I love Legos, but I hate when this happens. WHY GOD WHY??!!”
The most common scenario involves being happy (and possibly whistling) one moment, stepping onto a Lego piece where you just weren’t expecting it to be the next moment, then sensing a jolt of “searing” and “life-changing” pain that shoots from the pedal point of contact, up the anus, through the spine, into the base of the skull, which is associated with one’s life flashing before his or her eyes, screaming any of several curse words or unintelligible shrieks, followed by collapse to the ground, tears, and requests to cut off the foot or be put in hospice.
Though many health care professionals discount any patient describing pain as greater than 10 out of 10 pain, they do accept that “Lego-induced foot trauma” is the one exception to the rule and should, without question, be treated with Dilaudid IV and titrated to “maximum pain control or minimal respirations, whichever comes first.” In essence, stepping on a Lego should be equated with comfort care.
“Stray Legos pose a greater risk to the public health than obesity, cardiovascular disease, and cancer combined,” Fitzgerald wrote to a letter addressed to physicians across the country while on a PCA. She also acknowledged that while the opioid crisis still remains a high priority, it “doesn’t count” when talking about injuries suffered due to Legos lying around ready to maim and kill. “Unless you’ve ever stepped on one, you just don’t understand.”