Lego foot pain Dilaudid

CDC Recommends IV Dilaudid to Treat Foot Pain Caused by Stepping on a Stray Lego Piece

  • 3.4K
    Shares

ATLANTA, GA – Finally acknowledging it as the most painful thing a human being can ever experience, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends IV Dilaudid (hydromorphone) as first-line treatment for pain caused by stepping on a Lego accidentally with one’s shoes off.

Lego foot pain Dilaudid
Nothing good can come of this

“Sure, a gout flare, a kidney stone, and childbirth are pretty decent causes of pain, but they’ve got nothing, nothing on when you slam your bare foot onto the rug and it lands on an unexpected Lego piece with it’s edge pointing up,” explained a tearful CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald as her podiatrist actively resects a 2 x 4 flat black plate embedded into her now-necrotic heel.  “God, I hate Legos… I mean, I love Legos, but I hate when this happens.  WHY GOD WHY??!!”

The most common scenario involves being happy (and possibly whistling) one moment, stepping onto a Lego piece where you just weren’t expecting it to be the next moment, then sensing a jolt of “searing” and “life-changing” pain that shoots from the pedal point of contact, up the anus, through the spine, into the base of the skull, which is associated with one’s life flashing before his or her eyes, screaming any of several curse words or unintelligible shrieks, followed by collapse to the ground, tears, and requests to cut off the foot or be put in hospice.

Though many health care professionals discount any patient describing pain as greater than 10 out of 10 pain, they do accept that “Lego-induced foot trauma” is the one exception to the rule and should, without question, be treated with Dilaudid IV and titrated to “maximum pain control or minimal respirations, whichever comes first.”  In essence, stepping on a Lego should be equated with comfort care.

“Stray Legos pose a greater risk to the public health than obesity, cardiovascular disease, and cancer combined,” Fitzgerald wrote to a letter addressed to physicians across the country while on a PCA.  She also acknowledged that while the opioid crisis still remains a high priority, it “doesn’t count” when talking about injuries suffered due to Legos lying around ready to maim and kill.  “Unless you’ve ever stepped on one, you just don’t understand.”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

medicine resident

Tired Medicine Resident Writes 1 Progress Note About 15 Patients

2.8KSharesBALTIMORE, MD – A third-year medicine resident at Johns Hopkins University, Geno Smulison, completely ...

Olympics

STDs Running Rampant in Sochi Olympic Village

61SharesSOCHI, RUSSIA – Apparently what happens in Sochi doesn’t always stay there.  Olympic athletes ...

dying ficus plant

Oncologist Puts Dying Ficus Tree on Palliative Chemo

825SharesDr. Anna Dubokowski, chief oncologist at Sacred Name Memorial Hospital returned from vacation to ...

preschool

Preschool Teacher & Physician-Mom Have Differing Medical Opinions

1.9KSharesDr. Linda Richman received the dreaded phone call from her 4 year-old daughter’s preschool ...

Medical Students Horrified to Learn That All Patients Die, Eventually

297SharesPHARMA, OH – A lone tear splashed to the floor, followed by a steady trickle ...