TALLAHASSEE, FL – In an embarrassing show of pure slothfulness, the right eye of 28-year-old Christopher Chang has become so lazy that it won’t even attempt to look at things anymore.
The languid right eye began showing signs of laziness as early as age 5. “It used to at least try to do things,” states Eric Chang, Christopher’s father and the owner of two particularly ambitious eyeballs. “It would work with his other eye for a while, at least until it lost interest or got distracted by something colorful. Now it just sits there in its socket, staring at the wall, doing nothing!” Later, witnesses reported seeing an incensed Mr. Chang screaming at the apathetic eye to “read a book or something.”
Christopher’s friend Donny acknowledges that there has been a definite change in the eyeball’s demeanor. “I used to forget which eye was the lazy one. I wouldn’t even know which eye to look at when I was talking to him. Now everybody can see that his right eye just doesn’t give a sh*t anymore.”
Ophthalmologists have employed numerous strategies to get the lazy eye to become a productive member of seeing society, including reverse psychology by telling the eye, “I bet you can’t see me!” Even primitive techniques like pretending you’re going to touch it have yet to produce a meaningful response. Christopher’s eye is reportedly applying for ocular unemployment benefits if it can prove that it’s at least tried to look at something within the last 6 months.