NEW YORK, NY – Focusing 2017 research and development dollars on the final sentence of their tagline “Trojan. Pleasure you want. Protection You Trust.,” Trojan has introduced a new line of bulletproof condoms that not only protect against sexually-transmitted infections like syphilis and gonorrhea, but also militant organizations like ISIS and Al Qaeda.
“Our latest condoms feature Kevlar that is not only pleasurable for you and for her, but also will deflect bullets should you be under the line of fire as you approach coitus,” added Trojan spokesperson Devin Townsend, adding that these condoms can survive the harsh conditions of Raqqa or a woman’s vagina. “If you encounter an STD [sexually-transmitted disease] or IED [improvised explosive device], know you’ll be protected.”
In preliminary tests, male volunteers who wore the new condoms and proceeded to have their genitals shot at by both heavy-duty artillery and infected body fluids universally agreed that the experience was intensely pleasurable despite the skull-jarring noise.
“It’s an interesting time in our history,” continued Townsend, who believes that Trojan will be a major player in America’s defenses should a nuclear war with North Korea become imminent. “That is why we want to do our part and ensure our erections are safe for generations to come. Oh, and that pun was most definitely intended.”
