CHICAGO, IL – In what is believed to have been a first, Dr. Dick Andersen legitimately heard heart sounds using a disposable “MRSA stethoscope” this week.

Long criticized for being far better at being disposable than being stethoscopes, the flimsy plastic listening devices have long been a pain in the auricular canal to Medical Students, Nurses, Respiratory Therapists, interns and anyone else earnestly trying to use them for their alleged purpose.

Dr. Andersen was humble yet proud of his accomplishment, “I absolutely heard a lub and maybe even the faintest hint of a dub. I can confidently rule out any Grade IV/VI or higher systolic murmurs.”

Inspired by Dr. Andersen’s auditory accomplishments, RN Josa Lapurga attempted to take a blood pressure using a disposable stethoscope and obtained a reading of 240/3.

The Joint Commission was ecstatic on hearing about the accomplishment. TJC President Mark Chasin, MD, FACP, MPH, OPP, DB said, “We’ve been championing inefficient devices that marginally work for years. Dr. Andersen’s achievement shows us that murmurs audible from outside the room can now also likely be heard with a disposable stethoscope! Fortunately, TJC holds the patent on those plastic POS’s and we get $30 from each one which along with the $40,000 per hospital for an inspection helps fund my yacht and multiple beach condos with accompanying mistresses.”

Dr. San Deverence, a local orthopaedic surgeon, questioned the validity of Dr. Andersen’s claims. “I’m skeptible. I only heard a handful of lubs or dubs as a medical student on a Littman Cardiology 3 and I have very strong ear bones. There is no way Andersen could hear anything on those fragile thingies. He’s FOS like that lady with Ogilvie’s in bed 410A.”

Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal