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Jehovah’s Witness, Vegan-CrossFitting, Essential Oils-Selling Med Student Uncertain How to Open Conversation

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SEATTLE, WA – Local fourth-year medical student, Brody Smugprick, attempted to strike up a conversation with a fellow student at a fair-trade coffee market inside of a Whole Foods but found himself stumped on how to initiate the conversation.

“I love the Lord, my animal-matter free soy-based diet, doing dozens of pull-ups in a row with horrible form, lavender and cumquat essential oils, and being the most enthusiastic medical student the [Internal Medicine service has ever seen,” Smugprick opined, “but its so hard to pick which topic to talk about first when I meet someone new. How do I pick one thing to tell them about myself and potentially leave out so many other of my great qualities?”

“Its like a mother being asked to select a favorite child, do I talk about my new dead lift PR that I did after flopping like a fish out of water on the pull-up bar for 30 seconds while grunting maniacally? Or do I talk about how much Jehovah has changed my life? But that would leave out the powers of Bergamot oil to be both an antidepressant and a sedative! Any of those options would possibly leave me with no time to talk about the benefits of eating a diet rich in lentils and Kentucky bluegrass!” Smugprick continued to drone on. Gomerblog unfortunately lost any and all ability to continue listening to this aimless egocentric drivel and walked away.

According to local barista, Knicholle Wrøngnäm, MS4 Smugprick continued talking about himself for another 6 hours straight before realizing he was talking to himself when he took a break to get his eighth Skim Mocha Chai Latte with vegan cream of the morning.

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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