WILLMAR, MN – Local mother, self-proclaimed Domestic Goddess, PTA President, and Essential Oils saleswoman Hilda Larson was absolutely crushed this past week when she learned that her son’s thigh bone was not only broken but also fractured.

“I figured Sven maybe broke it or fractured it, never in a million years did I imagine both!” Larson continued, “I just know it’s because he doesn’t drink enough milk like I tell him to; 16 ounces at each meal and bedtime is not enough for a growing boy!”

Rice Memorial orthopaedic surgeon Slate Ninkard said the arbitrary non-difference between a broken bone and a fracture is a frequent source of confusion, “It’s literally the same exact thing. It’s like saying ‘are my biceps amazing or are they stellar?’ Yes and yes.”

When Dr. Ninkard told Larson that her son would need surgery, she demanded to know if Sven “needed just a minor surgery or a full-blown operation?” Dr. Ninkard was last seen walking to Bar Path CrossFit to burn off his frustration. Meanwhile, Mrs. Larson was frantically rubbing mechanically processed and hyper-concentrated lavender oil on her son’s leg to try and heal “the natural way.”

Mrs. Larson was later extolling the virtues of thieves oil to an unimpressed young lady with 15/10 pain in her pinky toe who refused to look up from Snapchat for the sales pitch.

Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal