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TOEJAM LAKE, CA – At the 23rd annual National Podiatric Conference on Bunions, the board of directors voted 5-4 to admit what the public has suspected for years; there are no podiatric physical exams, only different techniques for tickling patients.

podiatrist tickleDr. Nat Presson, a world-renowned left pinky toe surgeon, called the vote a relief. “I’ve been tickling patients for years making it up as I go depending on the particular patient’s ticklish spots for maximal awkwardness. Sometimes I even use a feather and pretend I’m doing something legitimate.”

“I’ve assumed several of my patients had an idea especially when I would occasionally let loose a ‘goochie goochie goo’ in the middle of a good tickling… ummm I mean exam.”

Former podiatry patient, Toenisha Fetishe, is both troubled and relieved by the admission, “it confirms my suspicions. Two bunions and 3 hammer toes later I can’t help but wonder how many unnecessary ticklings I endured just for podiatric entertainment purposes.”

Orthopaedic Foot and Ankle surgeons have long railed about the nontraditional nature of most podiatric “physical exams.” Dr Bret Oldsangre is one such surgeon, “I’ve been a skeptic of podiatrists and not just because they have half as much training as I do in doing foot and ankle surgery. How much of their 3 years of training is spent focusing on tickling techniques? It’s probably more like a 2 year residency! Damn foot ticklers!”

The board of the Podiatric Conference on Bunions was not clear what the next step will be. Dr. Presson says he will take a measured approach, “I will ask patients if they’d mind being tickled and provide them with a safe word. As soon as they say “hippopotamus,” the tickling will stop.”

Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal