thoughts and prayers

Randomized Controlled Trial Finds #ThoughtsAndPrayers Superior to #Thoughts or #Prayers Alone

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BERKELEY, CA – A recent study of millennial patients diagnosed with chronic diseases found that social media posts with #ThoughtsAndPrayers were more effective than posts with either #Thoughts or #Prayers alone.

thoughts and prayersResearchers were given access to the social media accounts of patients newly-diagnosed with cancer and other chronic diseases. Depending on treatment allocation they then made emotional posts requesting #Thoughts, #Prayers, or #ThoughtsAndPrayers.

The disease-free survival, remission rate and patient satisfaction rates were the highest for patients randomized to receive both #ThoughtsAndPrayers. Analysis was performed using intention to treat as several patients randomized to receive only #Thoughts also received #Prayers as well as a couple #ThoughtsAndPrayers.

The synergistic effect of #ThoughtsAndPrayers was even greater than the combined individual effects of #Thoughts and #Prayers given individually.

Patients receiving only #Thoughts fared also worse at all data points than patients receiving #Prayers but the difference did not reach statistical significance (p = 0.07).

The lead author on the study, Dr. Toomani Hashtagues, said the findings are what she expected. “My Baptist grandma always told me that thoughts were worthless without prayers. She always told us, ‘The Lord doesn’t work just because someone is thinking somethin, ya have to ask Him!’ Turns out she was right!”

The study is already being criticized for a lack of a true control group who received no hashtags. The authors disagree arguing that there are no millennials in the U.S. outside of the Amish community without a social media footprint.

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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