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The Joint Commission on Satire Releases Consensus International Butthurt Scale

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The Joint Commission on Satire (JCS) released the results of their 2nd annual meeting to include the first ever consensus International Butthurt Scale. “The prevalence and severity of butthurt on the internet is growing rapidly over the last several years” said JCS Chairman Dilbert Asspayne, “now, we finally have a way to quantify an individual’s level of butthurtedness.”

For a long time during the early years of social media, butthurt was a binary situation; either someone was or was not butthurt. Recently, with the growing epidemic of internet butthurtemia, it has become apparent that there are varying degrees of butthurt ranging from minimally bothered to ragingly pissed off.

The JCS International Butthurt Scale provides not only a scalar quantification of the degree of butt hurt but also a real world analogy to help explain each specific level.

1st degree butthurt is the lowest of butthurt recognized. Typically this is a level of butthurt where an individual isn’t even sure themselves if they are offended or not, but they know that they think they maybe should be. This is the equivalent to the degree of physical butt hurt sustained from wiping with toilet paper from a public toilet.

2nd degree butthurt is the first level where the individual sustaining the butthurt is certain that they are offended though not to any significant degree. The analogous physical butt hurt is that experienced after an evening of drinking busch light and eating chipotle.

3rd degree butthurt is a considerable level where an individual is actually offended and clearly expressing outwardly visible signs of being butthurt beyond just a pouting face. Similar to external hemorrhoids, 3rd degree butthurt is uncomfortable for the offended and anyone seeing the offense.

4th degree butthurt is comparable to the physical butthurt of bleeding hemorrhoids. This level of butthurtedness is visible clearly to all and often results in extensive crying and physical embarrassment/discomfort to all involved.

5th degree butthurt is the most severe level of butthurtedness documented to date. This is the DEFCON 1 of butthurt. The proverbial full on baboon ass level of butthurt. This level of butthurt is considered to be unrecoverable.

Individuals offended on social media are encouraged to identify their current level of butthurtedness using the JCS International Butthurt Scale at the end of all posts and replies.

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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