obese man

Breaking: 400-lb. Patient Not Actually Big-Boned

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AUBURN, AL – Albert “Big Al” McGriddle has been told all his life by his Mama that he wasn’t fat, he was just “big boned.” When he was told he was “morbidly obese” at a recent check-up, he convinced himself he was actually “morbidly big-boned” which was probably a good thing.

obese manOn November 25th, Big Al fell walking out of the Auburn Football stadium late in the 4th quarter when he slipped on the tears of fellow Crimson Tide fans. In the fall, Big Al sustained a fractured femur and was taken to a local hospital.

After undergoing a thorough evaluation in the ER including 3 CT scans, 2 Big Macs and receiving a loaner set of Crocs, Big Al met local Orthopaedic Surgeon, Benny Shapiro.

“Immediately upon seeing him, I’m thinking this guy is very big-boned. I’m expecting to slam in a 14 or 15mm Nail, troch start of course because I’m a gentleman,” Shapiro told Gomerblog.

In the middle of the femoral nailing, Shapiro was shocked to realize that Big Al was actually quite small boned. “I got wicked crazy chatter with a 9 reamer, I turned to the Synthes Rep Jimmy B and he was as shocked as I was! There was no way I could ream him to 10 and drop a 9 nail. We had to use the f*&^ing adolescent nails on this 400lber!”

Shapiro was still visibly shaken by what he had been through. “So this guy was actually super small-boned and now I’ve got almost a quarter ton walking around on a nail meant for pubescent pimple-faced pipsqueaks!”

Big Al was equally as surprised to learn he was small boned, “My whole life feels like a lie! When Mama bought me clothes in the husky section, it should have just been called the ‘fat kid’ section. I always wondered why I never saw no sled dogs there! Next I’m going to find out Santa and the Easter Bunny aren’t real and that The Waterboy wasn’t base don a true story!”

Big Al was seen wiping his tears with twinkies and drowning his sorrows in a large Frosty and a 42oz Diet Coke.

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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