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MIAMI, FL – Dr. Zeit Pauper was a struggling dermatologist on South Beach in the late 1970’s.  Like everyone else on South Beach, Dr. Pauper had a mustache, short shorts, a closet full of Hawaiian shirts, copious gold chains, and a gambling problem.

His practice was doing well, but his constant gambling on everything from NFL games to dog shows was digging him a financial hole that not even his prodigious pimple-popping could solve.

While performing a squamous cell excision he heard his patient complaining about not being able to work on her tan due to the overcast weather.  A brilliant idea was born.

Using the pseudonym Freidrich Wolff, Pauper tested and developed a skin cancer distribution machine that could be used in laundromats and sleazy salons.

Within months, the cases of skin cancer in Dr. Pauper’s clinic skyrocketed as did the number of bronze people walking around the Midwest in winter without having any recent travel.

“I couldn’t believe it.  People were literally paying thousands of dollars a year to get that hideous orange glow.  They get orange then they get skin cancer then I get money.  I even created MOHS based off of this population!” Dr. Pauper practically bragged to Gomerblog as he climbed out of his limo and walked to his private Learjet.

When asked if he still gambles, Dr. Pauper said, “Of course, but not nearly as much as the idiots paying to irradiate their skin in my tanning beds!”


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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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