WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) is scrambling after Virgin Airlines dropped a bombshell at a press conference earlier this morning revealing that it has been diagnosed with Chlamydia. Chlamydia is the most common sexually-transmitted infection (STI).
“Most airlines don’t realize they have Chlamydia since the disease often doesn’t have symptoms,” said Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Brenda Fitzgerald. “Getting source control in the airline population is going to be hard, which is why the FAA is experiencing a giant migraine as we speak.”
Fitzgerald added later: “And you can bet that said airline ain’t a virgin any more.”
Virgin Airlines was tested earlier this week after persistent complaints of burning with urination, urethral discharge, and rectal pain. Virgin states it has received both doxycycline and ceftriaxone. It also said that both pregnancy and HIV tests were negative.
The FAA has advised all airline carriers to take precautionary measures and get tested for HIV and other STIs. It has specifically advised Virgin Airlines to avoid canoodling with other airlines for at least the next week or two. The FAA expects Virgin to comply, seeing as it hasn’t renamed itself to Promiscuous Airlines.
Virgin Airlines has been mum regarding with whom it might have had relations. Sources close to Gomerblog, however, believe that United Airlines may have been Virgin’s romantic interest, seeing as United Airlines has been front and center of numerous scandals in recent years.
The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) admits it is surprised that the merger between Virgin & United was not on their radar. However, they did warn that “merger” might be a misleading term and the relationship between the two might end up being only a one night fling.
Gomerblog asked Virgin if “the first time” was everything it had hoped for and more. As expected, Virgin replied, “No comment.”