ATLANTA, GA – The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Brenda Fitzgerald has officially resigned her CDC post to become CEO of tobacco and cigarette-manufacturing company Philip Morris International, Inc. This takes place less than 24 hours after Politico reported Fitzgerald had bought stocks in a tobacco company as well as other drug and food companies after becoming CDC Director.
“Given the potential conflicts of interest here at the CDC, it only made sense to align those interests by joining my favorite American tobacco producer whose products I absolutely love,” explained Fitzgerald, as she hacks up a lung while smoking four cigarettes at a time. “Now that I’m no longer in charge of the public health, I can finally tell you the truth: Smoking is not bad for you. Smoking is good for you. It’s good for adults, it’s good for kids, babies too. And besides, it makes you look really, really cool.”
Newly-appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services, Alex Azar, accepted Fitzgerald’s letter of resignation, noting the letter “was covered in ash,” the envelope contained a freshly-extinguished cigarette butt, and that Fitzgerald herself “reeked with the stench of smoke.” Former CDC colleagues are not surprised, considering all the Joe Camel posters and numerous ashtrays strewn about her office.
Fitzgerald wants to make something clear: the link between tobacco and lung cancer is a hoax. “As far as I can tell, there are only benefits to tobacco use, now does anybody want to smoke some weed or have unprotected sex?” Fitzgerald asked to numerous media outlets. “Come on, I’m not part of the CDC. The CDC is so straight edge.”
Rumors are circulating that Fitzgerald will complete her transformation into a heel by meeting with Jenny McCarter for dinner later this evening. Fitzgerald plans to drink and text while driving herself there without wearing a seatbelt.