CDC Director Resigns, Becomes CEO of Tobacco Giant Philip Morris

Brenda Fitzgerald Philip Morris
  • 323
Brenda Fitzgerald Philip Morris
“Mmmm carcinogens…”

ATLANTA, GA – The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Brenda Fitzgerald has officially resigned her CDC post to become CEO of tobacco and cigarette-manufacturing company Philip Morris International, Inc.  This takes place less than 24 hours after Politico reported Fitzgerald had bought stocks in a tobacco company as well as other drug and food companies after becoming CDC Director.

“Given the potential conflicts of interest here at the CDC, it only made sense to align those interests by joining my favorite American tobacco producer whose products I absolutely love,” explained Fitzgerald, as she hacks up a lung while smoking four cigarettes at a time.  “Now that I’m no longer in charge of the public health, I can finally tell you the truth: Smoking is not bad for you.  Smoking is good for you.  It’s good for adults, it’s good for kids, babies too.  And besides, it makes you look really, really cool.”

Newly-appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services, Alex Azar, accepted Fitzgerald’s letter of resignation, noting the letter “was covered in ash,” the envelope contained a freshly-extinguished cigarette butt, and that Fitzgerald herself “reeked with the stench of smoke.”  Former CDC colleagues are not surprised, considering all the Joe Camel posters and numerous ashtrays strewn about her office.

Fitzgerald wants to make something clear: the link between tobacco and lung cancer is a hoax.  “As far as I can tell, there are only benefits to tobacco use, now does anybody want to smoke some weed or have unprotected sex?” Fitzgerald asked to numerous media outlets.  “Come on, I’m not part of the CDC.  The CDC is so straight edge.”

Rumors are circulating that Fitzgerald will complete her transformation into a heel by meeting with Jenny McCarter for dinner later this evening.  Fitzgerald plans to drink and text while driving herself there without wearing a seatbelt.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

Top 10 Perks of Being a VIP in a Hospital

517Shares1. Hospital volunteers will give you piggyback rides wherever you need to go. Don’t ...

graham crackers 1981 Nabisco vintage

Hospital Replaces Graham Crackers with Cardboard, Nobody Notices

2.4KSharesSAVANNAH, GA – In a new initiative to cut costs, Coastal Hospital CEO Will ...

nurses drinking wine

News in Brief: Medication IV Pump Coincidentally Runs Out at Change of Shift

DALLAS, TX – Nurses on Mercy Hospital’s floor 4, med-surg unit, are perplexed.  “The ...

Curare Darts Phased Out Despite Drug Shortages

181SharesMACON, GA – Like many medical centers, St. Joseph the Protector Hospital is experiencing severe ...