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NEW ORLEANS, LA – Nurse Jess Casamento of Ochsner Medical Center is one of the best when it comes to repleting electrolytes: potassium, magnesium, even phosphorus.  Today, however, she took it to another level and unquestionably cemented her legendary nursing career by initiating the ever-so-rare and lesser-known chloride repletion protocol.

Wow, two chloride atoms on this baby!

“My patient’s morning labs noted a low chloride of 90 mmol/L, what was I going to do, nothing?  That’s hogwash,” Casamento told a sea of reporters.  Casamento’s heroic efforts has captivated health care professionals across the country.  “If the potassium’s low, you replete.  If the magnesium’s low, you replete.  If the iron’s low, you replete.  And if the chloride’s low, guess what: you replete.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

Not many health care professionals realize that chloride repletion protocols exist, which is why Casamento is idolized by not only nurses, but nurse practitioners, physician assistants, and doctors.  She’s the real deal.  In 1998, she emergently started a copper repletion protocol and saved her patient’s life.  In 2001, she started a gold repletion protocol and, again, saved her patient’s life.  Today, we can rest assured that her patient will see her way to discharge.

“Sure, we all learn about ‘Do no harm’ and all that but what most people don’t realize is that the central tenet of the Hippocratic Oath is to ‘Replete all lytes’ and ‘Ask questions later,’ and so we take that very seriously,” explained Jason Devillier, President of the American Academy for People Who Replete Electrolytes (AAPWRE).  “Nurse Casamento is a hero in my eyes.  She is the Queen of the Periodic Table of Elements.”

Interestingly, the chloride protocol initiated by Casamento listed 1,1-dichloroethene as the agent of choice instead of sodium chloride (normal saline).

“Like I said,” Devillier responded when we brought up this point, “replete all electrolytes first, ask questions later.”


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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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