Life Savers

True to Its Name: Life Savers Prevented 3 Million Deaths in 2017

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Life Savers
Have one and stop death in its tracks

CLEVELAND, OH – A survey conducted by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) has gotten everyone’s attention as it revealed that Life Savers hard candies were responsible for preventing the deaths of 3 million people in 2017.  Life Savers are true to its name.

“Life Savers have been as instrumental as seat belts and bike helmets in saving countless lives,” explained Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and renowned candyologist Brenda Fitzgerald.  “And not only that, they’re delicious and come in so many different flavors!”

Life Savers was founded over 100 years ago in 1912 by candy maker Clarence Crane.  He didn’t set out to create just a tasty treat; he set out to create the greatest mortality-thwarting hard candy of all-time.

Many people, even us at Gomerblog, thought the candy was named for its resemblance to life preservers used to save people from drowning when they have fallen overboard.  But that shortchanges Crane’s ultimate vision, which was to use the candy not only to save people from drowning but to rescue people from all sorts of causes that could bring one to death’s door.

The NIH painstakingly described how each of the 3 million people’s lives were saved.  Life Savers did everything from dissolving a pulmonary embolus and curing cancer to breaking a climber’s 300-foot fall and preventing a bloodthirsty shark from chomping a woman to bits.  The candy’s spectrum of prevention and cure is matched by none.

Unfortunately, there is one downside to the ring-shaped hard candy and it’s a sizable Achilles heel: it cannot prevent dental caries.

“I’ll take a few cavities if it means I won’t die by being run over by a bus,” admitted Life Saver fanatic Alice Baker.  “Between Life Savers and a multivitamin each day, I’m pretty much unstoppable.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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