Breaking: If Orthopaedic Surgeons Were Actually Good at Sports They’d Play Them Professionally

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PHOENIX, AZ – At this year’s annual meeting of the Bro Orthopaedic Navy Extremity Surgeons (BONES), BONES President Buck Cravedigger made a shocking admission to guest speaker Jerome “the bus” Bettis.

“Honestly Mr. Bus, can I call you Mr. Bus?”

“Sure, Buck. You can call me whatever you’d like. We’re all athletes here, Orthopaedic Surgeons are just the really smart jocks who went to medical school instead of playing sports professionally after all, right?” Bettis replied.

“Well” Dr. Cravedigger started a bit sheepishly, “the thing is we’re not good at sports. If we were good at sports we would have played them professionally.”

Buck continued, “who in their right mind would chose to work hard in college, ace every test in Med school including histo, get honors on every rotation even pretending to care about insulin just to get into a grueling 5 year residency if they could have partied for 2 years of college then gone pro?”

“Damn Buck, that’s deep. I never thought of it like that” Bettis replied clearly stunned by the admission. “What about the guys who become Orthopaedic Surgeons after their pro careers are over?”

“They’re the exception Bus. The rest of us were mediocre JV scrubs who invent stories of glory to impress chicks and Stryker reps. The only reason we’re better at sports now than anyone else in Medicine is we are the only ones who still workout.” Cravedigger explained.

“If a single IM or FP doc ever picked up anything heavier than a pen, they could dominate the Hospital intramural circuit too. Fortunately the only muscles they exercise are around their jaws and blabbering about potassium is not a sport, just like cross-fit.”

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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