PyeongChang Tragedy: Team USA Curler Blows Out Both ACLs, MCLs, Hips, Spleen

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PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA – Curling is not for the faint of heart.  In the adrenaline rush of hurling his rock down the ice, Team USA curler, John Shuster, lost his form and blew out both ACLS, MCLs, hips, knees, and even ruptured his spleen.

Professional curlers know injuries like these come with the territory.  In fact, curling is unanimously considered to be the most dangerous sport in the world.  In a venue as grand as the Olympics, where medals and country pride is on the line, a life-threatening injury was bound to happen.

“We are happy to report that John is in good spirits despite the crushing knowledge he will never, ever walk again,” explained Dr. Brock Hammersley, one of the fifteen orthopedic surgeons on the U.S. sidelines for the curling event.  It is standard protocol for a curling team to have a team of at least 10 medical professionals – usually a combination of orthopedic and trauma surgeons – because the event is so taxing on the human body.  “John always knew that going into curling he might lose a limb one day.  Looks like today is that day.”

Shuster will have his spleen removed as well.

The injury was brutal for those who watched it live.

“His form looks off, Jim, he’s not looking good… OH GOD, OH NO!!  Shuster’s entire lower body just buckled and looks like noodles on the ice!” said NBC curling color commentator Amanda Meyers, letting a several-second pause take dramatic effect, the puddle of blood slowly pooling around his lower body.  “Looks like the U.S. medical team has got a doozy, good luck fixing that.”

Lost amidst the commotion of Shuster’s injury, it took several minutes for others to realize that Team USA curler Matt Hamilton dislocated both shoulders while sweeping for the rock Shuster had just thrown.

Gomerblog is happy to report that Shuster and Hamilton are DNR/DNI.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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