Urologists: ‘Balls on Back of Trucks Correlates with Tiny Driver Testicle Size’

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LEXINGTON, OH – Plastic balls in a plastic scrotum hanging off the back of a pickup truck have been an extremely-common sight in and around this rural Ohio town for decades.

The presumption amongst most Richland county residents is that the drivers of these trucks had very large testicles to match the large testicles dangling from the back of the trucks.

Big balls on back means tiny balls in the driver’s seat.

It turns out the opposite is true. Local urologist Dr. Bill Patino had long wondered about the correlation between truck balls and actual ball size, so he did a study mostly of Lexington high school students and alumni.

“It turns out people with ‘truck balls’ actually have abnormally small testicles. Like hard to find and functionally useless itty bitty family jewels,” Dr. Patino explained. “It’s also not a coincidence that their high school mascot is the Minuteman.”

“The next step is to figure out causation. Do these people put balls on their trucks because they have small testicles or do truck balls cause testicular atrophy?  Fortunately there are tens of thousands of men across the country with truck balls, car balls, and even motorcycle balls that we can study.  We’d love to find someone with truck balls and even remotely normal sized testicles to study but we haven’t found him yet.”

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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