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SESAME STREET — Sesame Street was rocked by the shocking news that two of its most beloved characters were diagnosed with psychiatric illnesses this week. Kermit The Frog was placed on antidepressants after he was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and then just 2 days later, Elmo was committed to a psychiatric institution for a manic episode.

Sesame Street University Hospital staff psychiatrist Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram spoke to Gomerblog [on the condition of anonymity due to concerns about potential HIPAA violations for disclosing sensitive muppet patient information]. “We had long suspected that Kermit was depressed enough to be a risk to himself. And everybody pretty much knew that Elmo has bipolar disorder. I mean, who uncontrollably laughs like Elmo does? It’s unnatural. To me, it was an obvious sign that Elmo demonstrated manic-depressive tendencies.”

Via social media, children organized candlelight vigils on Sesame Street to offer encouragement to their beloved inpatient muppets. The news comes at a difficult time for the youngsters, having recently learned that Cookie Monster had been hospitalized due to diabetic complications precipitated by pastry addiction.

“Lithium has been quite effective thus far stabilizing Elmo’s mood. To be honest, our staff had been concerned that Elmo was demonstrating psychotic features because of his incessant dialog with a goldfish named Dorothy” reported Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. According to several Gomerblog sources, Elmo has only required 1-2 daily doses of Haldol intramuscularly since being institutionalized.

“I really do feel bad for Kermit,” continued Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. “During our therapy sessions, Kermit has finally come to terms with his unhealthy obsession with Miss Piggy. He knows that he meets the criteria for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I’ve already seen marked improvement in Kermit’s mood after just 4 electroconvulsive therapy [ECT] treatments. He mentions her far less frequently now. But, quite frankly, Miss Piggy herself demonstrates Axis 2 hybrid features of Histrionic, Narcissistic & Borderline Personality Disorders. She is totally consumed by her own vanity, and it has affected both her personal and professional lives.”

When Gomerblog attempted to directly contact Miss Piggy for her reaction to Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s armchair diagnoses, her publicist declined to comment, only stating that “Miss Piggy is stressed out right now from holiday shopping, so she is focusing on her therapeutic spa day itineraries.”

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Dr Pablo Pistola
Dr Pablo Pistola had become increasingly dissatisfied with satisfaction-based forces in medicine. He felt like a doctor without a purpose. He subsequently embarked on a 7 year twerking quest in the Himalayan foothills to find his true calling. During this journey, he realized that he has a secret talent: his immense knowledge about women. He understands them. Legend has it that he can size up a woman’s soul in a mere instant. He didn’t ask for these powers. But with great powers come great responsibilities. So Dr Pablo Pistola (double-board certified in Love Medicine & Romance Medicine, with fellowship training in Seduction Medicine) has been dabbling in satirical erotic writing. And if satirical erotic writing can offer a viable exit strategy from medicine, then the world will be a better place. His responsibility is to bring the stories of lust to you. He also is an avid life-long Miami Heat fan. Follow him on twitter at @drpablopistola
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